Categories
healing from c-PTSD Let The Healing Begin

Dream Life – the game

Dream Life – the game

Just writing  about some of my experience with this game I played.

Not that long ago I had the opportunity to play Dream-Life. It is a game where you either make a few lists or tables with location, events or encounters you had during dreams or use pre-made tables.  Roll dice to determine one item from each list/table and then make up a story about it.

Lists, or tables, can be made up of actual things, locations, activities, people or creatures you have experienced in a dream, or, you can use generic tables.

You roll the dice and whatever number it falls, that is the location, activity or event that you get to make your story from.

So, a small group of people I knew for some time from work played and  I noticed some interesting effects.

It was very connecting to get to know people from a very different “than the usual social” angle.

It felt great to be listened to without there being any judgment.

If anything traumatic was in your dreams and you put it on a list, it might get coupled with a different time or location, or encounter, depending on the roll of dice. This potentially loosens a grip a dream might have on you. There is always an observer in you that gets activated.

When I played with the list made  of people’s actual dreams, it felt more connecting, but not at all threatening. This is important for people for whom other humans are generally a source of distress, anxiety or energy drain.

If you use pre-made tables, you simply get to tell a story that may or may not contain actual dream events you may have dreamed at some point.

This is just fun and kind of telling about yourself, but not directly, you make things up into a story, you train to speak, and there is no judgment.

If I were using 3 or 4 words to describe the effects of the game on me, it would be fun, connecting and healing and the game adds an observer component to the entire playtime. If you wanted to, you could even do a little acting or dramatic storytelling.

This game might also be a good voyaging tool, traveling into universes you would not normally go to. Could even be the whole group goes there.

It trains in listening.

And sis I mention it is fun?

from the website page:

What is Dream-Life?
  • Dream-Life is a table-top game.
  • Dream-Life is a mutant form of RPG (role-playing game).
  • Dream-Life does not require a Game Master nor Dungeon Master).
  • Dream-Life uses tables and dice to adventure through a landscape — having encounters and engaging in various activities.
  • In Dream-Life, the landscape is your dream-life, the encounters are drawn from those you have in your dreams, and the activities are extracted from the things you do during dreams.
  • Dream-Life is basically your dreams as a table-top game.

Link to the short form instructions in case you want to give it a try.

 

Categories
healing from c-PTSD Let The Healing Begin Nutrition

How to change your beliefs

How to change your beliefs?

Understand what a belief is and where it comes from.

Know that you can change your beliefs.

Choose a new belief.

Do a practice to install your new belief and establish your life that expresses that belief.

If you would like to know more, contact me via the IDHHB contact page.

or send me a message at drchrisholistichealth@gmail.com

Categories
healing from c-PTSD Miscellaneous musings The Unruly Gardener Speaks

On early trauma cPTSD and its effects

The other days I got a FB friend request from someone I respect a lot from way back 20 years ago when I was at BBSH. (Barbara Brennan School of Healing) I had come across their facebook page and left a comment.

There was a message too, about some of what I wrote, an offer, and a little bit about her daughter.

I responded, but a huge part of my response or impression was left unsaid, like my initial internal response to the situation of the infant.

Since then I wondered about that, and even though the investigation is not complete, I decided to write about it now as events change and happen so fast in today’s world, that if I don’t do it now, it may never happen.

She mentioned something about her daughter, when she was just born. I was like, OMG, I never knew. I wanted to ask, what happened, tell me more. I used to be a neonatologist after all, but more importantly, I have had to deal with a traumatized nervous system all my life and maybe some thing I say could be helpful.

But I didn’t even acknowledge any of that in my response.

Later I rationalized that I didn’t want to be curious, a bother, not wanting to admit either that what I want is sit down with her somewhere and hear the whole story. Not that logistically that could happen, living in opposite parts of the continent, but why admit such a thing, wanting to hear the whole story.

For some people, those”empaths” or those with  nervous systems with limited capacities, being with people, is work, not deeply relaxing as fundamentally not safe or nourishing. Being rejected or left felt like a death sentence so profoundly, that the cellular memory lingers for a very long time. Being vulnerable always feel life threatening. The replenishing of one’s energies has to then come from things one learns to do during alone time. In addition,  being social is really  mostly work, it is just “dealing with” people, both tolerating them and their manifestations as well as having to work to not  be inappropriate or bothersome in one way or another.

In people with early infant and childhood trauma, dealing with humans in unstructured situations is often NOT the go to for dealing with nervous system regulation, nourishing or replenishing energy, being in nature is, animals can be, meditative activities can be, like painting or crafting or building something.

Because being with people is fundamentally scary, uncomfortable or some such thing, one is naturally missing out on actually being social, being intimate, and I don’t mean sexual. The word alone, way back in Germany decades ago, the word “intimacy” was enough to cause a terror response in me.

For those with very early trauma, human interactions are often a cause for more stress, especially if those other humans carry their own wounding,  not dealt with. In the end, it just isn’t worth it.

This is a handicap in that humans are primates and by nature social animals. Not having a well developed social nervous system it is a limitation to your agency, to what you can do and how you can move into the “normal” world.

I also find that what Bessel van der Kolk says to be true, those  without that kind of nervous system dysregulation, that early trauma,  really cannot understand what it is like, they can’t get it. They don’t understand what it takes, that it is work, not relaxing, to be with people. They don’t get how much energy it takes to deal with “normal” stuff that is happening in life.

When younger, there is the hormonal situation that complicated things. There is different drive for connection, dictated by primate ways of being. But the other day I read a study about long term follow up of premature infants. Turns out they are less likely to be married or in sexual relationships. To me, I say, duh, why is that surprising you, but most people won’t get it.

How do you explain to someone that the injury sustained, the experience had in such early trauma is GLOBAL. It is not an event that could be talked about, processed, dealt with. It is so 100%, so completely involves the entire organism. Even as an adult that feeling is the same and there are still no words for  it until there is enough Being presence and awareness, enough distance to recognize it as a nervous system state and conditioning. The rage is also non-verbal and feels like it encompasses the entire being. The helplessness and abandonment is experienced totally, so, organismically speaking, globally, it becomes unmanageable. In the end, not wanting to feel, or, as an adult,  hurt anyone, one  is simply  wanting to get away and be alone.

Because those feelings seem to huge and overwhelming, not feeling is the only answer for many and for a long time. However, humans who don’t feel, turn to cruel shells that are capable to inflict pain on others without remorse. So one needs to learn to deal with all the big feelings. Presence and attention – of one’s own self to one’s own processes is a must.

In most children who sustained  what is now called c-PTSD,  there are redeeming features that make it so one does not kill oneself or get lost in addiction, and that is a good thing. But it is also dependent   on the incoming soul/essence habits, or karma, and societal and cultural conditions. Some will be able to rise above it, learn, and keep learning. Others will take their lives. Others will remain unconscious and perpetuate their trauma in their children.

One thing that happens with infant trauma is that part of the soul, or most of it, learned to leave. Sometimes it never really incarnated as a result, and this usually means, it never goes through the healthy embodied mental-emotional growing up process….and by the time it does, you look at an adult that is acting like a child. At the same time there is often a high level of sincerity and innocence, curiosity and spontaneity – just – not considered appropriate to the chronological age.

It takes work to tease all that out and be present,  and the energy spent doing that cannot be used in other ways, it is not available. At the same time, energy blocks, physically held in the muscles and fascia, also mean less free flowing energy is available. Working with the body is essential and a must.  One the other hand, freeing the energy might overwhelm the nervous system circuitry. Are you starting to get a bit of the dilemma this all is? And then there is the physical pain that develops. But we won’t go there here.

Some folks say you can just transcend it all. And true enough, presence and openness with do that – BUT …put on life stress and there you are again. There really is waking up AND growing up.

It is something else, this human incarnation, and there are many ways, often culturally dependent, to make meaning, to make sense of it all. Even if you consider this incarnation on earth like a game, you will be able to play very differently and in other roles with an integrated, robust nervous system and a strong, capable body. Great attitude is always a plus and actually, crucial.

There is an advantage of sorts to growing yourself up later, after you have learned about your nervous system, after you learned to be present. In a way there is a chance you grow up freer, less encumbered by conventions, as there is part of you that never got conditioned in the first place this time around  because – it was not really there, not descended or embodied during the early times and throughout childhood.

Until then,  part of you may come out in playing with little kids, or animals, but other that that, it is safely gone from exposure to the brutal painful world of humans. Meanwhile, when young, you develop your best coping mechanism not to die or feel so much pain all the time.

What happens when the trauma was not mitigated at all? It is possible that the soul devolves, and what presents itself as the human is a narcissistic shell incapable of empathy and feeling. Industrialized Western society  is full of traumatized people. It is systemic.

One more thing. In the community where I live and work, there is something like a premise: you don’t have to work on yourself to be okay, or be useful. You can put yourself in the Work, and the work itself with bring about  your transformation. When you are doing the function you are doing, are meant to do, willingly, even joyfully, that is enough. For me, this has proven to be true. But it still takes your intention and willingness for your life to go into a certain direction. Not everyone is meant to still be growing themselves up at the age of over 60. But as parts of an interconnected whole, everything anyone does to evolve, be consciously embodied, help others, increase beauty and ability to love …is of benefit to that whole, to everyone and everything. Freeing oneself from the confines of habits and conditioning on the deepest level – does lead to freedom to be and ability to love in a very different way.

For most people, this does not happen overnight.

And even when you are free, there is more work to do, just different. There is more to learn, on a whole new level. Each time you level up, there are new tasks. We don’t know that the process every will end. It is infinite – so for me, this tiny “me” in the immensity of what is, learning to be present, to  love, to recognize and enjoy the beauty – is important. Connection to the greater Being and nature is essential and primary. This finding meaning for your life is important too.

 

 

Categories
healing from c-PTSD Let The Healing Begin

How to deal with the overwhelm

Pencil drawing and softly singing for dealing with intense feelings, emotional states and overwhelm..

Using your own voice while drawing is a good way to increase capacity for energetic intensity, which allows you to feel what there is to be felt without acting out, or decompensating.  Add to that as a bonus the intention to help others if you chose. This process leaves you not discharged or depleted, but energized. More able. I am describing a little of my process below. Video and text of the song is below.

Yesterday was a tough day. Many of you felt it. I knew something was up by breakfast time at 6 am.

Between the forests burning everywhere in the world and a layer of myself presenting itself that I knew was there but that 99.9 % of the time I am blissfully not feeling these days, by the time late evening rolled around, I was standing there in the dark wishing: sometimes I wish there was someone here who could just hold me, or look at me, no words, yet total understanding. Like a true companion, a true intimate, a friend. I was lucky enough to have felt seen through and through in my life and what a relief, joy and wonder that was.

However, here I was with all that intensity going on – so much to feel and hold all at once – and I considered my actual options at the time. There were the confines of the living situation. Screaming into a pillow…rejected…it would not lead to growth, or true relief, just energetic discharge, useful at a certain time, but for me no longer something I want. Drama and breakdown, not interested, cry myself to sleep…only to feel totally drained for at least a whole next day, no thank you.

I stood there wishing for a moment that I played any musical instrument masterfully, at least well enough, so that I could express all this musically, one of the greatest gifts, alas, I play no such thing. Energy – contained.

What did I have? Ah, pencil and paper, right there, and my voice. I already knew that I need to work with my voice. There was my presence, willingness and intention, the ability to be there for myself, and I started drawing and softly singing, the voice almost breaking several times. After a couple of minutes I thought: I will record it and turned the old cell phone on.

This is for all those in need of being held, all the innocent creatures running from the flames, fleeing the fire or being burnt, and all those who cannot move.

It is time for everyone to wake up and start being true to who they are, how they know themselves to be. It is time.

The world is literally burning up. For how long are we, as humanity, going to distract ourselves? Waking up and living in the ground of being is needed. Growing up into a harmonious being, divine and human child, divine mother/feminine and divine father/masculine present and developing the higher mind, the deeper feeling and the more joyful, innocent energetics. It does not matter what your outer physical or your inner orientation may be, everyone needs to develop this to move on to a higher level.

In the Western world (or patriarchal culture in general), the true heart, the capacity for caring, loving and compassion in deeper and wider and infinite measure, is quite underdeveloped. For those with a limited nervous system capacity (who often suffered from c-PTSD or see themselves as  empaths), it is important to recognize the capacity of your nervous system container, and, if it serves, to work to increase it.

This video is in part a demo of being with intensity that is too much, without suppressing it and just moving on to some unrelated project in life, trying to forget about it. When the container is full, there is either overflow or explosion, depending on the pressure. What is needed is: growing the container bigger, a “being with”, a presence, and channel the energy into something that can be worked with, much like in sexual alchemy, where the non-discharged energy can be used for work, building higher bodies, for creativity.

So this video is an example of the overwhelm, the agony, the feeling, the longing, the heart wrenching pain – expressed with the tools of untrained voice and paper and pencil.

You can hear the trembling, and the drawing at times. I am happy to report that there is no drained feeling the next day, no despair, but quite the opposite, energy to work with….whatever I might “think of” or feel about it today.

This song is for my own self, all the infants and little kids everywhere who are not being held like they need to, from then on making it through life the best they can, and for all the forests and jungles burning all over the world and all the living creatures in it. I put most of the words into the video, and the entire text on the web page for those who want to google translate.

Disclaimer: Although this process left me energized this morning watching and also allowing yourself to feel this could nonetheless trigger in you spaces not easy to be with. Presence highly recommended.

Nervous system regulation and being at the limit of one’s capacity is nothing new for those with a history of early infant and childhood trauma.

If you try this, you will make up your own words.

It is important to feel it all, rather than suppress it or deny it…and this process helps you do that while staying present.

There are many ways to deal with activated states approaching overwhelm. This here does only requires a pencil, paper and your own voice. You can feel everything, don’t deny anything, but commit to softly singing to yourself.

Start drawing and start singing. The process takes about 10 minutes, maybe longer, maybe less.

Give it a try

It is not an energy discharge, but capacity building and a creative process, that will not be depleting or incapacitating.

I Am Holding You

I am holding you
I am holding you
Through all the tears I’m holding you
When no one else will

I am holding you
I am holding you
Forever holding you
When no one else will

I am holding you
I am loving you
I am holding you
When no one else will

I am loving you
I am loving you
When no one else will
I am holding you

I am holding you
I am holding you
forever in my heart

I am holding you
Through all the flames and burning
I am holding you
Through all the lonely times

I am holding you
for growing up and screaming
I am holding you
Forever in my heart

I am holding you
through all the fires burning
I am holding you
Through all the dying pain

I am holding you
through all these fires burning
I am holding you
forever in my heart

I am holding you
through all these fires burning
I am holding you
through agony and pain

I am holding you
forever in my heart.

I am holding you
if you did try to run away
I am holding you
forever in my heart.
Forever in my heart.

In the safe space of this womb,
come again, my love
In the safe space of this womb
come again, my love

For I have to give my heart today
For I have to live this heart today
For I have to live this heart today

Forevermore again again

I am holding you
I am loving you
Come again come again my friend.

 

Categories
healing from c-PTSD Let The Healing Begin The Unruly Gardener Speaks

How being in second life helped me grow up and heal

A few years ago, the Institute for the Development of the Harmonious Human Being (IDHHB) started an exploration into using Second Life (SL) as a work tool, a tool for transformation and service as well as a tool to stimulate past life memories and broaden one’s consciousness footprint. It was an ever changing environment then, with lots of activities and changing sceneries and lots to learn. This blog post is more focused on my own journey than all that was happening back then in the Ashram (that would be filling a book).

Even though I felt a little bit like I felt when the call went out to join safaris in D2 a decade earlier, meaning some trepidation and a hint of disdain, if I were honest, I didn’t really know anything about Second Life or the people that go there.

I decided to participate and of course, as with the exploration of any new area, there were growing pains. At that time, child avatars were still permitted, and I found myself drawn to those more than the adults or non-human characters. I had a few adult ones, but on a subtle level, noticed a resistance to using them. So unless it was required to show up as an adult, I started out exploring as a child. This was at a time I had not actually put a name to the nature nor the extent of the trauma that I have had to deal with all my life, as trauma is in the nervous system but I didn’t remember anything commonly recognized as trauma, so I was never aware that that was what I was dealing with.  However,