The terror of ultimate futility
…and finding meaning in your life
So the other day I was doing a certain type of meditation, and at some point I noticed that I could not really “go there” fully, I saw what it was that I was guided to see, but I could not get into the feeling of it.
That did come as a surprise to me, and there was the element of terror, and it was an existential kind of thing. The futility of doing anything became very clear.
The: so what, what IS the point of anything, no matter how exulted, beautiful, efficient, true or good?
In the end, it all just is what it is.
And I had to get into the “why” a bit more, why am I doing anything at all. This is where sense-making actually starts for me.
To compare it with gaming, like TF2, say I am playing on the blue team this time and I simply want to play a better game.
Why? To balance out the situation.
Why – because it needs to get done
Because it is right action.
Why because having a fun time makes for a better game.
Why?
Because…something in my keeps propelling me, maybe my (this life) history can explain it to some degree. Maybe, if this thing or situation needs to manifest, I am somewhat more suited to do work in this particular section than a lot of others, so I do it.
To serve, to fulfill my role, to become a more proficient co-creator, to learn the earth game better, to prepare …and
In the end, there still is an element of futility that is just there.
Did I really care, did I really love? Did I really believe in it?
And yet I do it. I do it anyway, a willing participant in the divine plan, open to be lived, open to presence.
On a more human level, of the reason’s why become accessible through the values I derived from my soul’s journey through this life with the tasks taken on for this segment of the passage.
Becoming conscious, awakening, and playing with conscious co-creativity is finally adding an element of fun to life that makes sense to me. Fun not as a distraction, but as conscious play and participation in a divine unfolding. Fun in creativity, listening deeply into the stirrings of the innermost being.
Fun while being in service.